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Generalisations about beer culture

Beer: You Can’t Handle the Truth!

Psst! Whispering men.

Psst! Psst! Yeah, you. Who do you think owns the brewery that makes that beer you’re drinking, that ‘Dan Spinnaker’s Fat Legs IPA’? Ha! That’s what they want you to think.

There is no ‘Dan Spinnaker’. Designed by focus group, he was. The bloke you see at press conferences is an actor. Been in Casualty, under a different name of course. The beer’s brewed under contract, by Global Beverages Incorporated, at a state-of-the-art plant in Poland. It gets shipped over in tankers and then bottled on Shadrack & Duxbury’s line in Warley. They sneak it back into the so-called Spinnaker’s ‘brewery’ in midnight convoys. Not very ‘craft’ that, is it? Eh? Eh? Follow the money, sunshine — follow the money. It’ll lead you to a shadowy group of Russian investors — FACT!

As for Shadrack & Duxbury… don’t get me started. Old Bob Duxbury was nice as pie when you met him but it was known in the trade that he was a member of a pagan cult. Used to kill goats with his bare hands. Most of the profits from the brewery still go to the Esoteric Order of Dagon. What did I say? That’s right, follow the money.

These days, of course, Shadrack’s Champion Best is supposedly top-notch cask-conditioned ale, but here’s what I heard: it’s high-gravity brewed using turnip starch and hop extract, and then they filter it before putting back just enough yeast to satisfy CAMRA’s technical committee. Total con.

As for CAMRA… I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you, know what I mean?

5 replies on “Beer: You Can’t Handle the Truth!”

Don’t you know they use ox bile instead of hops in golden ales? That’s why they are so pale golden, just like continental lagers!

Old Bob Duxbury was nice as pie when you met him but it was known in the trade that he was a member of a pagan cult.

That’s Councillor Duxbury to you, lad.

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