All the usual trappings: mirrors, coat-hooks, brown wood, low-light, stern overseer, aloof bar staff, glinting glassware of every variety, and two English tourists experiencing mind-expansion.
They have two beers on the go already but are too excited to stop there.
“Bruv, bruv — you’ve got a lot of beers, man. Like… a lot. What would you personally recommend?”
The barman (dunking glasses in soapy water, running a hand around the rim, dunking again, rinsing in cold water) pauses to think. “Personally? I like this.” He presents a bottle of Orval like a waiter with a vintage wine.
“Yeah, open it up, bruv — open it up. Let’s do this.”
“You want two glasses?”
“I got money, bruv — my pockets ain’t shallow. We can have a bottle each.”
“Of course but you have two beers already and it is quite strong.”
“OK, we’ll have one of these, too.”
The tourist points at the lager tap from which the other barman is in the process of pouring eight 25cl glasses, slicing at the foam with a knife so that it surges up smoother behind the cut.
“That? Uh… that’s just a normal pils. Let me give you this with two glasses and if you want something else, no sweat — order it when you’re ready.”
The tourists are now sharing three beers between them, swigging and laughing, getting louder as time passes. Both barmen avoid their gaze, slide past the spokesman’s upraised hand, and ignore his ever more insistent calls: “Bruv! Sir! Mate! Hello! HELLO?” Eventually the boss barks and the other barman reluctantly attends.
“What would you recommend? Something mad. Something different.”
“Okay, how about…” He presents a bottle of gueuze.
“Yeah, two of them.”
“Uh… It’s a little bit… This one is a special beer, quite sour. Why don’t you share? I’ll give you two wine glasses.”
The tourist presents his wallet, waving a wad of cash.
“I can pay, bruv! Just give me two. Oh, no — tell you what, give me a big bottle! You got that in a big bottle?”
“Yeah but, I mean… It’s like, fifteen euro. Seriously, have this small one and if you don’t like it, you haven’t–”
“But if we do like it, can we part exchange for a big bottle?”
The barman considers, and shrugs.
“OK, sure.”
They do not like it.
But by this point, it doesn’t matter, because they are giggling, their stools involuntarily rotating beneath them, feet slipping from the rests. They are slapping their thighs, crying, weeping with laughter. Draining glasses, draining bottles, slurping down yeasty dregs. Having fun… for now.
Neither the elderly woman with her newspaper and espresso, nor the middle-aged couple holding hands as they consult a tool catalogue alongside two perfect chalices of blonde beer, seem to notice or care.
When we leave, the spokesman has his hand in the air again: “Bruv, bruv — what you got with fruit in it?”
The barmen pretend they can’t hear as they urgently restock the fridges, urgently clean some glasses, urgently disappear into the darkest corners they can find.
