Sometimes you go for a beer and a bite to eat and find yourself in the jaws of a machine – and it’s not always an unpleasant experience.
These are hospitality operations run with total efficiency.
At first, you might think, ugh, this is all a bit charmless. Not very organic. Not very artisanal or indie.
But after a while, if you submit to it, you might start to appreciate its sheer effectiveness, which does actually translate into a form of good service.
It can also be incredibly entertaining to observe, like a magic show, or a demonstration of athletic prowess.
Not very artisanal? It’s the epitome of skilled labour, requiring the best of the best. at the peak of their game.
In these hospitality machines, processes have been honed and iterated so that no time or effort is wasted in getting you seated, getting you served, getting the cash out of your pocket, and spitting you out into the street so another party can slot into your space.
Everyone on the team has a role to play and knows what is expected of them.
That includes people whose job it is to smile and convey an atmosphere of carefree fun, at least while you’re looking at them.
The margins have been calculated to the penny and no chance to upsell is ever missed. And if that upselling can be made to feel as if they’re doing you a favour, all the better:
“My personal favourite? I’d have to say the pasta. (On which we make 30% more markup than everything else on the menu.)”
In the past week, we found ourselves in two such machines in Bucharest, the capital of Romania.
Both drew us in with beautiful, historic buildings and the promise of decent mainstream beer.
Caru’ cu Bere is a German-style beer hall established in 1879 and housed in a grand Gothic building designed by an Austrian architect in 1888. It has its own house beer and serves hearty traditional food in large portions.
It’s recommended in all the guidebooks and smells, frankly, a bit like a tourist trap, rather than a tourist attraction, which is an important distinction in our view.
We really wanted to see inside the building, though, and also really wanted to drink a decent lager in vaguely trad surroundings, so we made our booking and braced ourselves.
On arrival, we were intercepted by a member of staff whose only job was to assign people to free tables and escort them to their seats. She wasn’t exactly cheerful, but she was certainly efficient.
She handed us off to a waitress controlling a section of about 10 or 15 tables who was just as friendly as she needed to be to avoid making us feel totally unwelcome. When we took a little too long to decide what to drink she got, perhaps, a touch impatient.
But, like in the beer halls of Cologne, or The Dog & Bell in Deptford, once you accept that you’re not there to make friends with the staff, this brusqueness becomes part of the offer.
It’s what allows establishments like this to serve the constantly flowing crowds of customers quickly. We didn’t have long frustrating waits to order, or to receive our beers, or with empty glasses in front of us, or for our food, or for the bill at the end of the session.
We thought we’d been conned into buying bread we didn’t need but, actually, we did need it. And she even talked us out of ordering too much dessert.
Meanwhile, she was negotiating with customers who didn’t like their tables or had questions about their bills. She was chucking children under the chin and chatting to old ladies. And she was bollocking supporting waiters who brought food to the wrong tables, or were too leisurely on their way back to the kitchen.
At one point, she was taking a food order from one table, taking our beer order with a nod and a couple of gestures, and telling people on a third table that she’d be with them shortly.
Awesome, if intimidating.
We had a similar experience at another tourist-focused venue, Hanu’ lui Manuc. We hadn’t intended to visit but, on a hot day, the sight of its beer garden in the courtyard of an historic inn built in around 1808.
The building was breathtaking – a medieval fantasy of galleries, balconies and flagstones – only slightly undercut by the sense of passing into the mouth of a great predator.
Again, we were intercepted at the gate and seated within seconds, at which point another crack waitress took control of the situation.
She started by trying to sell us a lamb dish for sharing – colossal, expensive, and more suitable for a medieval banqueting table than lunch on a warm day. She did successfully upsell mayonnaise at 8 Lei (about £1.50) and attempted a little emotional manipulation when we said “No” to ketchup.
But, on the whole, service was again super efficient, with barely a gap between rounds of beer.
When she did neglect us for a moment, during a crisis at another table, a colleague slipped in seamlessly, passing our order to her as they rushed past each other, swooping together ages apart like ballet dancers.
Our food arrived very quickly. Too quickly, almost, as if it came from an all-you-can-eat buffet counter hidden from view.
Perhaps we also detected a hint of misery and desperation in the way our waitress pleaded with us to review the experience online, and to mention her by name, as she slipped a QR code onto the table.
Watching the waiting staff buzzing around the bar collecting drinks we saw plenty of grim, exhausted faces.
The problem with machines is that they tend to drag people in and chew them up, on both sides of the service counter.